new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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