Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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