My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
