Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
