So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dicks are not precious.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
