Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
