it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
