captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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