apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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