She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
