My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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