Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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