i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
