Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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