I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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