He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
