Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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