I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
