mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
