Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
