don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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