I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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