does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
