your parents love me but you hate me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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