Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
