Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
