Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
