You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
