this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
