Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
