i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
