I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
