the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
