We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
