You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
