His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you had me at cake vodka
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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