I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
