So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
