I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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