oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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