How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
