I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
