if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
