She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
