My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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