I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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