I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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