your parents love me but you hate me
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
