So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
