I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
