I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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