We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.