The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine