It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.