I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."