I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
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Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me