Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
