ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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