this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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