So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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