Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
