I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
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i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
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Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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