she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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